The Death of Decorum
Seriously, It’s Come To This?
You Can’t Make Me! Pennsylvania Senator John Fetterman insists that his right to look ridiculous is the hill he chose to die on. Sadly, he reflects the arrested development of legions of men today, content to look like overgrown toddlers.
I sometimes ponder what my father and his cohort of post-war gentlemen would have thought of the clueless weenies today whose sartorial awareness was arrested sometime around third grade. Overfed dufuses who insist on having their stick legs poking out from baggy shorts, regardless of the season or situation, typically crowned with the obligatory backward baseball cap. I don’t get it, and I refuse to succumb to accusations of ageism. While I’m far from being a dandy, I’ve always considered it an obligation, common sense, gesture of respect, and a distinct pleasure to dress appropriately for any occasion, whether a restaurant, museum, theater, graduation, or traveling. That would be especially true for stalking the halls of the world’s greatest legislative body.
Doing It My Way: Fetterman’s refusal to adhere to a minimum of sartorial convention displays petulance unbecoming of a public servant.
While I have no opinion on his politics, Pennsylvania senator John Fetterman, by most accounts, is a good man who has made clear that no ask is too great—except when it comes to wearing big boy pants. Come now. Seriously? Is it really that much of an imposition to not dress like a defiant man-child while serving your constituents in Congress? When did it become acceptable for middle-aged men to bear their unsightly legs publicly? And what’s up with the ridiculous hoodies Fetterman covets like a petulant adolescent? Oh, and, John, if you’re listening, man boobs (another disgustingly frequent feature of modern manhood) are best left unseen. The hoodies, in this case, are not your friend. But there’s good news: It‘s easily remedied with—wait for it—a tailored suit jacket. That, or a simple blazer, will conceal many flaws and refocus attention on your words and policies rather than the distraction of defiling the Senate by showing up dressed for the playground.
Get It Right
Coincident with this unfortunate circumstance are men who brazenly tempt the style gods, only to get tripped up over details. It’s come to my attention that a certain ESPN football analyst favors brightly-colored, slim-fit suits paired with oversized kicks. Naturally. So rad. And sporty! (Pro tip for white guys: pastels and primary-color suits are the preserve of Black men. End of discussion. You won’t pull it off. Don’t go there.)
Untouchable: Tom Brady’s innate sense of style, at once bold yet restrained, and always impeccably executed. No other sports or Hollywood star comes close (except, of course, George Clooney). True style icons.
On a recent night, Mr. ESPN is sporting a sherbet orange suit with white sneaks adorned with black laces. Fine. He’s making a statement. And personal style is—personal. However, if you can’t truly master it, it may come off as inauthentic and a bit of overreach. Though, on this score, I’m willing to meet halfway until he loses me with his cheap, skinny, poorly-knotted tie that’s coming loose while he speaks. (Pro tip #2: If you haven’t mastered neckties, which require some skill, skip it and opt for an open-collar look with your suit. Or a V-neck pullover or tee. In most settings, going tie-less is perfectly acceptable.) The other tell that the man is not in command of his style is that his collars were curled up at the tips as if ready to fly away from embarrassment.
Pro tip #3: Dress shirts come equipped with clever little pockets on the collar’s underside. Stuffed within the pockets are collar stays, flat little tapered plastic inserts that keep your collars crisp and straight to properly frame your tie. For those who’ve never noticed this essential detail, it’s likely your dry cleaner removed the stays to avoid fusing the plastic to the fabric under the heat of pressing. So it’s on you to replace the collar stays when your shirts are returned. It’s all in the details, gentlemen. If you aspire to be truly stylish, half measures don’t cut it. As any quarterback can attest, mastering the fundamentals makes the difference between winners and losers. Seek advice when you’re uncertain of the rules. Or, screw it, just go full Fetterman.
—J Heroun
